Bringing you the latest news from the meeting of Ents in Derndingle.
U.S. Representative Leafhand Orofarnë (R-KY) shook leaves today when he went on an anti-immigration rant during a news segment on Westfold Today. In response to a question of whether undocumented youth should be granted citizenship, Orofarnë decried the idea as amnesty. “That may have worked in Lothlórien, but look where that got them – the Elves have all fled to the Grey Havens because of the immigrant problem. I don’t know about you, but I’m an Ent, and Ents don’t have a fancy oceanfront heaven like the Elves do. If you ask me, we should close the borders before we’re covered in Orcs or worse – Huorns.”
Orofarnë’s office was quick to walk back the statements, taking great ent-strides to explain what he really meant. “Representative Orofarnë is proud of America’s multicultural values and our immigrant history,” a spokesperson later said. “He was merely pointing to the Elves’ history and in light of what large numbers of Hobbits might do to our economy.”
When asked for comment, U.S. Representative Rowanoke Bregalad (D-KY) criticized Orofarnë’s portrayal of the DREAM Act as amnesty. “Some trees are growing Ent-ish, and some Ents are growing tree-ish, you see,” she said. “I’m afraid Leafhand has gone tree-ish of late. Hoom hom hoom.”
In a rural townhall meeting in Dane County, U.S. Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI) stated that the federal government has a spending problem. “We have poured money into higher education,” Johnson explained, “[but] we’ve made it so much more unaffordable.” He also called for more accountability on federal spending.
When asked how to do this, Johnson responded, “let’s not be too hasty.” He then chided his constituents for being rash. He ended the meeting with a loud, echoing “hoom” before stomping back to Oshkosh for a fundraiser.
In the House today, Representatives discussed the ongoing fighting between the Rohirrim and the Wildmen of Dunland in western Rohan. Some Representatives sympathetic to the plight of the Dunlendings have introduced a bill to authorize arms sales to the rebel group, but the non-interventionist majority of Congress questioned the efforts. In addition, a lobbying firm with ties to Dunland has accused Rohan of trumping up charges to justify further fighting.
Somewhere, Éomer Éadig turned his head and said, “warmongering?”
The National Air and Space Museum was evacuated this afternoon after a drunk Huorn crushed several horses. Authorities would not release the name of the Huorn, but stated that a breathalyzer test found that he was stomping under the influence. “It’s amazing what a little too much Entwash can do to some of these younger tree-kin,” Capitol Police Officer Ecthelion IV said in a press conference.
The horses belonged to a group of Rohirrim visiting Derndingle on a school field trip. One of the teachers, Théowyn daughter of Thengel, has stated that the children may not make it home in time for 4th of July celebrations. Supporters have started a GoFundMe page to assist the school with transportation needs.
The Office of U.S. Senator John McCain III (R-AZ) released the following statement today declaring his position on the prisoner exchange regarding Sgt. Bergdahl: Hrum, Hoom.
After weeks of debate on the dangers of misogyny in the country, and in light of the recent #YesAllWomen trend on Twitter, New Jersey businessman and senatorial candidate Grassyfoot Ciryahir released a new controversial television ad blaming feminism. The ad depicts Ciryahir walking through the woods. “I haven’t seen an Entwife in decades, maybe centuries,” he says. “Now they come back and cry ‘misogyny?’”
The ad has drawn criticism from numerous women’s rights groups and even a protest outside Ciryahir’s Trenton campaign headquarters. “The fact that this Ent is running for elected office and he continues to refer to all women by ‘wife’ is a testament to his backward-thinking views,” said Salvia of Trenton, who was among protesters there. “I thought this was 2014 of the Fourth Age.”
On the 519th day of the 113th Congress, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) finished saying “good morning.”